Tears

First of all, there is no news.  I get asked daily if I have test results and unfortunately I haven't heard anything.  I called today but I didn't hear back, so maybe tomorrow.  Who knows? It doesn't really matter though, this test isn't going to give us any news about the cancer, it will just determine the surgery that I have.  For that reason, I am not nervous, anxious, or pacing the floor everyday.  I am living!  Just regular, day to day, living!
There was much discussion about the point at which to talk about any of this.  Not because I don't want anyone to know, or because I am a control freak(ok, well that part is a lie).  But really, the main reason is I didn't, and don't, want people to look at me different.  I don't want to be confronted with faces full of pity or sadness.  I don't want people to stand across the room and whisper to each other how sorry they are for me.  I don't want every conversation to be about cancer.  I don't want to look into eyes filled with tears every time I talk to someone.
The fact is, yes I have cancer(which I still HATE saying), and it totally sucks, but I'm not dying!  I am going to be fine.  The road between here and fine is filled with many pot-holes, but I will make it to "fine"!  There are days when I have moments of sadness, but they are not many.  There are times when I am overwhelmed, but I have lots of support to get me through. There are times when all of it becomes too much, but...I have God for that!
Corey and I have started spending more time with our college students at church lately.  We have bonds with many of them from past youth events, and we feel called to invest more energy and love into them.  So last Sunday I was asked to share my testimony with them.  It was a testimony of salvation, growing as a Christian, and the path we are on now.  Makinley was present as I spoke, and watched as I fought through a few tears and got choked up a couple of times.  After I was finished, she broke.  She hasn't said much to me about any of this.  The few times she has talked about it, it has only been with Corey.  I decided it was time we had our own debriefing.
We stood in the hallway and I listened to her tell me that it gets scarier everytime she hears the word "cancer".  She doesn't like that I am sick.  She worries about me having surgery.  There were several things that she opened up about but these were the main concerns.  I assured her that I agreed that "cancer" was a scary word, and that I hate it just as much as she does.  I also shared with her that I am not "sick". I don't feel sick, I feel fine, so we didn't need to be worried about that now.  Same with surgery...there isn't a plan for that yet, so we can put those thoughts off for a while longer too. I explained to her that the only way to get through all of this is one day at a time.  I cannot let my mind race ahead of the day I am on, and she shouldn't either. Whenever I find myself frazzled or worrying I pray and ask God to "just give me enough to get through today".  I ask Him to "fill me with the joy I need to see the good things in today" and to let go of the negative or scary.
I write this blog for many of you who struggle with tears on my behalf.  Please don't let the days slip by filled with tears, because I'm not.  Please don't sit around and think of all of the possible roadblocks and pot-holes that I face, because I'm not.  Please don't let fear of the unknown consume you and steal your joy, because I'm not.  Instead, pray to be filled with what you need each day to be able to experience happy and recognize the beauty in today!