The Journey I Didn't Ask For

Prepare yourself, maybe make some popcorn, this will take a while.

In June, while taking a bath and washing the soap off, I felt something.  I knew right away that I should be concerned, and I was, but I didn't have time (nor was I ready) to address it.  Also, we were headed to youth camp so I didn't have time right then.  To be honest, I really thought I would just try to pray it away.  Why not, it was worth a try...no such luck.
So on August 8, I went for a mammogram.  I have been through this before when I felt something several years back so I knew what to expect.  After they do the mammogram the radiologist looks at films while you are there.  The girl came in to say that they needed to do a sonogram since this wasn't just routine, but a doctor order.  I knew from before, sonograms are not a normal part of this process.  So I went into the sonogram room and another girl, CeCe, took more pictures and then sent them to the radiologist again.  Next thing I know, he walks in the door.  He said that there was definitely something there and its not supposed to be, so he wanted to do a biopsy to check it out.  I was okay until I got in the car and called Corey.  There is something about having to say things in your own words and hearing them in your own voice.  It's a lot different than hearing someone else say them.  They made me an appointment for the following week.
Fast forward to the next Friday, August 15, Corey and I returned to the same place to have the biopsy.  He wasn't allowed to go in with me, just wait in the changing room.  Cece, who did my sonogram came to get me for the biopsy.  She was a very serious girl when I had met her the last time, but today she seemed a little friendlier.  She got me all prepped and then the dr. came in and did the biopsy. It wasn't a terrible experience, just different.  Of course as you lay there all kinds of things run through your mind.  I fought tears the whole time, but held it together. After the biopsy, Cece had to stand next to me and apply pressure for 10 minutes.  At that point, you are forced to bond a little!  So she asked me how I was with all of this, and we talked about how waiting is the hardest part.  She assured me God was in control and I liked her even more at that point.  Finally she bandaged me up and told me I could sit up when I was ready.  It took me a few minutes, but I sat up and immediately my head throbbed and my whole body felt like it was shaking.  She said I probably had a reaction to the local they gave me.  Before I could leave I had to have another mammogram, but she offered to let me go back and sit with Corey until they were ready, so I went back to my dressing room.  I felt so terrible by the time I got in there that once I sat down I melted into tears.  I think it was a combination of meds, adrenaline, and fear that all collided at once.  After a few minutes they came and did the mammogram and we went home.
Waiting is torture, especially when the outcomes are as big as what we could be dealing with.  They said it would take a week to get results, so that means go to dr, wait a week, have mammogram, wait a week, have biopsy, wait a week....
On August 22, my OBGYN called and in a very somber voice told me my biopsy was positive.  I was with Morgan in the car on the way home from school so I had to just take it and not react.  Corey called and said he was going to pick up Makinley from volleyball, but I didn't tell him.  I couldn't talk about this on the phone.  We needed to be together when I shared this with him.
At this point I will pause and say that I didn't need a dr to call and tell me it was positive.  I already knew.  Not because I was negative or being dramatic, but because God had been preparing me since June.  I knew from the very beginning how this was going to go and I told Corey many times.  He had remained much more optimistic throughout all of the testing, so I knew it would be hard for him.
When he got home I pulled him into our room and told him the results.  He hugged me and told me this would all be fine and then started making plans.  (He is a RED personality, and thats what they do...take control and make a plan!) We talked about who had to know right away, but decided we weren't going to tell the world yet.  We really had no info other than it was positive and I needed to see a surgeon on September 2.  So again....wait a week!
That week has been the hardest up to this point.  I went through every emotion possible.  The Friday night I found out I was sad.  I sat and cried off and on even though we went to some friends house.  Saturday I woke up mad.  Sunday I woke up with a peace about me, but that soon turned to stress once I realized Monday would bring regular routines of life.  I wasn't sure how I was supposed to go to school, teach, and move through life as if all things were normal, because clearly they were not! But God has given me just what I need to get through one day at a time, so that's how I did it, one day at a time.
That brings us to this week.  On Tuesday, Corey and I met with the surgeon.  He briefly explained the cancer and gave us his recommendation of a lumpectomy, which would be followed by radiation, and possibly chemo.  We expressed our desire to get this process started asap and get it over with as quick as possible.  He jumped on things and scheduled us for a lumpectomy the next Wednesday September 10.  We were asking lots of questions about the post-surgery treatments, so he called the oncologist and set us up for an appointment the next day.  He wanted us to talk with her before surgery so we would know the plan.  They set me up for pre-op on Thursday and we left.
I think we were both overwhelmed with information and possibilities after we left.
On Wednesday we went to meet with the oncologist.  We waited for over an hour as she fought her way through traffic.  They made us watch a video that explained everything you need to know about radiation and I cried through most of it.  When the video was over Corey and I made a list of questions we had.  I was not in a very good mood when the dr finally showed up, however she won me over quickly!  She was very thorough and explained things in terms we could understand.  She was very patient with our questions.  Her tone was very relaxed but not so much that she seemed to be unconcerned.  You know sometimes doctors forget they do this everyday but the rest of us don't...she didn't give that message at all.  I asked her if she thought our decision to have the surgery scheduled was the right choice and mentioned genetic testing.  She went into that saying that it was definitely something to consider.  She decided quickly that she wanted me to see a Medical Oncologist.  At this point I stopped her and politely said, "if you don't mind me asking, what are you?  I thought you were the oncologist".  She smiled and explained that she was the Radiation Oncologist but the Medical Oncologist would be the one to do genetic testing and any chemo or hormone therapies.  She said she had a partner in Dallas she wanted us to see the following morning, Thursday.    We left her office and went straight to church.  It was a good way to wrap up the day, worshiping the only One who can save me from all of this, but to say Corey and I were exhausted is the understatement of the year!  Mentally, emotionally, physically, we were spent!  We fell into the bed that night and Im not sure we moved until the alarm the next morning.
So Thursday we found ourselves in yet another doctor office.  They got us back quickly and we met our Medical Oncologist.  Corey and I both loved him right away!  He used the paper on the exam table to breakdown each part of my pathology report from my biopsy, and being a visual person, this was awesome!  I even took a picture of it on my phone because I understood everything so much better by looking at it written out piece by piece.  At the end of our meeting it was decided that I should have the genetic BRCA test done.  This is a test that tells you if you carry the gene that causes breast cancer.  If I carry it, there is like an 85% chance that this will come back with a lumpectomy.  So if this test comes back positive than the best option is to have a double mastectomy.  I only want to do this once,( Hell, I don't want to do it at all) so it is worth waiting to do it right.  So I had bloodwork done and it will take 1-3 weeks for it to come back.  There is only 1 place in the nation that processes this test and since Angelina Jolee had this done a few years back, they are swamped.
So that's where were are, waiting for a week....or 3!  So that means that my surgery has been postponed for now.
This post does not reflect the emotional side of the past month.  I can't possibly put all of that in this post, but I have been keeping a journal and have it recorded. I will begin to share parts of that and try to keep things up to date moving forward.
There is much uncertainty in each day right now...but there are some things I know to be certain.
1: I will live through this.  Fortunately we live in a time where women beat this everyday!  I am glad that technology, doctors, and medicine has advanced so much in the last 10 years so that I can have that confidence.
2: I am loved and supported by many!  I knew I had the most loving family and friends, but I think you can never truly comprehend that until you have to face a giant, like this.  So many of you are checking on me, encouraging me, helping me, praying for me, and setting up things for the future to make things easier and I cannot express my gratitude for that.  One reason that I am going to post to this blog is so that all of you who want the latest updates can follow them on here because I cannot possible keep up with texting updates out!  There are too many of you to count!
3: I have a God who loves me and is with me each step of every day.  While I get mad about this situation often, it is never directed at God.  How could I be mad at the ONE who will save me and lead me out of this terrible mess?  I praise Him everyday for all that He continues to do for me and the love He shows me through His word and the people He surrounds me with.  I know that there is purpose to me going through this "fire".  I know that He will give me the grace I need to get through each day, even though I know I may not always be able to reflect it, He gives it.
So, there it is... and that's where we are.  Again, thank you all for the prayers, but don't stop now!  Keep praying!  The focus right now is pray that I don't carry this gene, pray that things will get easier, pray that our family will continue to be a light, even though we feel like we are living in the dark!