CT's, Bone scans, MRI's, OH MY!

So this week has been full of tests and doctors.  Really it's becoming the new normal, unfortunately.  On Monday I had a CT of my pelvis and chest, along with a bone scan.  It was a LONG day to say the least!  I'm pretty sure if there was a liquid available that could be put into my body, it was either ingested or pushed through the IV! If you would have tested me, I'm sure I was radioactive!  The good news is, all of the tests came back with good results!  There is not sign of cancer in my bones, chest or pelvis, so that was a huge answer to prayer!
On Tuesday I had to go back for a breast MRI.  This was not one I was looking forward to!  I am claustrophobic and being inside a tube that is inches from my face is enough to send me over the edge!  I also knew that I was going to be face down...even worse!  So I asked the dr. to call me in something to help me get through it.  I took a valium on the way to the test and Corey waited for the perfect video opportunity, just as any good husband would do!  He kept asking if I could tell it was working and while I didn't feel super weird, everything felt really heavy and slow.  So I go for my test, which is about 30 minutes long, and I just kept my eyes closed and kept my head down the whole time. No reason to "test' the meds!  When they were finished they came to get me out and I was pretty much asleep.  It took me a minute to get up and off of the table.  I got dressed and the nurse walked me out and handed me over to Corey.  This is how the drive home went...

I went home and slept for 3 hours!  Even when I woke up I was still moving pretty slow.  I was afraid that I wasn't going to be able to sleep, since I had pulled a Rip Van Winkle during the day, so I took a SLEEP strip at bedtime and slept like I have never slept before!  I'm pretty sure I would be a terrible drug user if 1 valium does this to me!

Anyway, Dr. Gorman called Thursday night and told me the results from the MRI.  #1 the left side seemed clear even though a previous sonogram showed otherwise.  She is going to pull all of the data and compare it all side by side to make sure, but for now, its good.  #2 The right side that has the mass, actually has 2 masses.  She said, however, that she thought she could get it all with a lumpectomy, but nothing is a guarantee until she gets in there.  And even then, its possible that they would have to go back more than once to get everything, but she was optimistic. 

So here is the point at which the possibilities are many!  Me, not being the decision-maker personality, hates when there are a million options!  But here are my choices:

1. Have a lumpectomy, hope they can get it all, but if not, go back and take out additional tissue, followed by chemo, followed by radiation, followed by reconstruction.

2. Have a single mastectomy, followed by chemo, probably not radiation, followed by reconstruction.

3. Have a double mastectomy, followed by chemo, probably not radiation, followed by reconstruction.  

So... lots to think about.  Corey and I actually stayed up until 1:00 am on Thursday morning hashing a lot of things out.  One of them was what I wanted to do.  So before we talked to Dr. Gorman, we had already come to the conclusion that I would have a double mastectomy.  This is not a decision that was made quickly or easily.  It is very scary to think about taking a huge step like this when it is just one of 3 options.  What makes me mad about all of this is, change has to occur.  There is nothing I can do that will equal what I have known all of my life.  The decision that we have to make is the "best of the worst" if you will, because in my mind, the only good is to rewind about 6 months and not be in this predicament. Since that isn't one of the options, I have to consider what my future looks like.  If I were to choose the lumpectomy, I would have mammograms every 6 months for the next 5 years at least.  If I have a lumpectomy or a single mastectomy, I have to continually wonder what will occur in the rest of my breast tissue.  

Here is where I get real: I DON'T HAVE THE MENTAL GAME FOR THAT!  My mental game is terrible!  Even in running, it's my mental game that holds me back from things I know my body can handle.  I am honest enough with myself to admit I cannot go through life constantly worrying what might show up on the next test.  I have said from the beginning, I am only doing this once, and so that's how I made my decision to have the double.  I want to be done with this, put it all behind me, and start over! 

Today we met with a plastic surgeon.  I have to say that on the way I began to doubt my decision.  Maybe I was being too drastic.  What if I hate the outcome?  What if I stand in front of the mirror every day and regret what I have done?  I'm glad that we had the opportunity to meet with the plastic surgeon today because he spent time going over the reconstruction options in great detail.  (Yes, MORE OPTIONS! You know, we always think options are good, but sometimes, it's just too much!)  But I will say, after our meeting I felt much more at ease with everything and I know that I am making the right decision.  

So now that we have a plan, we just have to get it on the schedule!  The 2 surgeons that I am using do surgery together multiple times per week, which I like!  They are working on putting together a date and time and I should get a call on Monday.  I would guess that I would have surgery late next week or maybe the following week, but nothing is a for sure yet.

I get comments all the time about how well I am dealing with all of this and the decisions that we are facing, but I would be lying if I said times have been easy around here.  Things have been very hard, and I realized last weekend that I was mad at God.  I know, go ahead, gasp!  It took me a long time to be able to admit it to myself and then verbalize it to Corey, but it's the truth.  As Christians we think that we aren't allowed to be mad at God, but I'm not sure that is true.  I think about the times I have been mad at my earthly parents in the past.  I didn't stop loving them.  I didn't stop believing that they only wanted what they thought was best for me.  I didn't turn away from them.  I was just mad, and then it passed.  I think that once I admitted my frustration and anger, God began to work in me, to heal and restore me.  My kids get mad at me and I let them, and while it hurts me, I understand why they are mad, they don't get what they want, or they think I am being unfair. I don't keep them from being mad or send them away for being mad.  I pull them in and help them know that I am always here and my job is to help them become their best, even if it means doing things they don't agree with. 

I believe that God has done that for me this week.  He is slowly helping me see the good things again.  He has blessed me with doctors that show true compassion for me and I trust will help me to feel good again.  He continues to put me in situations where I get to minister or help others so that I feel like I still have purpose, when being a burden is all I felt like.  

So, this week ends on a good note!  It ends with a better outlook on the road ahead.  It ends with a peace about where I am going and how I will get there.  It ends with me laying down the anger so that I can move on.